Changed, I Have

I can't believe its been more than a year since my last post. Wow. A whole frikkin year. Thats 365 days. Gone. Just like that. Damn.

I guess time just flies, leaving you behind. One semester of the 2nd yr is over. In the blink of an eye. Its been one and a half years in UM. Things have changed. I don't know for better or worse, though.

Change. A terrifying word, if you ask me. So much has changed since I stepped into the university. Life's just not the same anymore. I'm not the same anymore. I still don't know if that's a good thing. Looking back, I miss my previous self. I think I do. Or have I changed so much, that I don't even give a damn? I don't know.

I know what I used to be. I don't intend on describing. If you have known me before I got into UM, you'll know the person I was, or rather, your perception of the person I was. The fact is, I should go back to what I was. But, for some reason, I don't.

I just don't. I'm reluctant. I can go back if I really wanted to. But the thing is I don't. In a twisted sense, I like the new me, even though I know the previous me was better. Lolx.

Ah, what the hell. I don't know if I'm going back to that person that I once was. Or am. Or will be again. Crap. Fact is, I know I need to go back. Maybe not a 100%. Maybe not even 50%. Maybe just 20%? This is so confusing. Or maybe its mutually exclusive, where I can only have one, and not the other at the same time.

Who knows? The person that I am now. Who cares? The person I once was.
What's the problem? Which side to take.

I used to have enthusiasm for whatever I did. Now, its just a hollow shell, echoing in the past. I just can't care less. Not inspired to do anything. Just taking each day as it goes by. That's all. Lol. Pathetic. I know. Haha. But the current me just doesn't care. I don't care.

No matter how much I try to go back, I'm just apathetic about the whole situation. I really want to, but more of me doesn't want to. Now, I have less worries, less stress, less problems(I think). Why would I want to put myself through all that all over again. I don't see a good reason. I just don't.

I realised the past means nothing, in the end. In the end, nothing matters. Nobody gives a damn when it all goes down. Nobody. So, why bother? Why bother indeed. I don't see a reason to bother anyway. All you get in the end, is nothing but bitter disappointment.

Thing is, I don't know if I'm living a lie. Maybe this is all a facade. Maybe it is all just some crap way of looking at things. Who knows what masks I put on everyday? Who knows what I really feel, and what I really want to be? Yeah, this is some sick twilight zone I'm purportedly stuck in. Stuck. Maybe the back door is open. Lol. That door might lead to a lot of worse things.

Lost in my mind, in my thoughts. Lost between two worlds. Two worlds that have no place for the other. Apathy rules one. The other is ruled ny a feeling that I have yet to genuinely feel in this past one and a half years. It's been so long, I can't even remember what it feels like.

Ah, whatever. Fact is, I'm stuck. With superglue. If I ever get out, there'll be some nasty skin tears. Or I can just sit here. In the glue. Now that doesn't sound too bad. Not at all. I mean, it would be a hassle to get out. And its just too troublesome.

Oh well, who cares anyway? Not me.